A movie i want to see

I have a pitch for a movie. Basically I’m tired of all the feel good, warm fuzzy, overcoming movies out there… particularly those about sport… especially those about American Football (incidentally the lamest “sport” ever!... oh the controversy). You know the movie… you’ve seen it several dozen times:

1. It has either a small town team or a team from the ghetto.
2. They suck
3. The team consists of misfits and miscreants.
4. One team member is grossly overweight but lovable.
5. One is a tough guy who doesn’t need anything from anyone.
6. There is an undercurrent of racism that will explode about 20 minutes into the film.
7. Enter the tough new head coach who won’t take crap from anyone. He’ll throw a few team members off the team for not getting good grades. He’ll also threaten the team with a good dose of violence at the end of a baseball bat.
8. The team will rebel… then they will listen. They’ll probably also stand up against the conservative management who now want to throw out the head coach.
9. The movie will end with a game against the nemesis team. It will be close. Our team will win the championship with 2 seconds to spare.
10. The credits will begin with photos of the characters and text that tells us how each of them has gone on make something of themselves.
11. Of course it’s all based on true events.

I don’t want to see that movie anymore. This is what I want to see:

The Sweetville Titan Panthers are the greatest team in the league. In fact, people are saying that there has never been a team like them in the history of College football. Records have been broken every time the team has taken to the field. The trophy cabinet is bursting at the seams.

But all the fame and success has not gone to the heads of the players. In fact they are all ‘A’ students, take part in community service projects and care for the environment. The team is a model of multicultural understanding and respect for women.

The head coach is fantastic… a pillar of the community… loved by all. But he’s just accepted an offer from NASA to train autistic children to pilot the space shuttle.

After a quick search on Ebay the college find a new head coach… a drifter named Derek who, when he’s not hopped up on crack cocaine is running an illegal underground fight club. Derek can’t stand the kids on the team but the money’s not bad so he figures he might as well stick around until something better comes along.

At training camp Derek feeds the team on a steady stream of doughnuts and soda. The weather’s a bit cold so rather than going for a run in the morning the team play football on their Xbox. Average weight gain is 30 pounds per player. Nerves start to wear thin and there is a knife fight between the offensive and defensive teams, leaving the quarterback with one eye and three fingers missing. The star linebacker calls his girlfriend of ten years and dumps her for no reason.

The first game of the season is about to be played. Due to a mix-up at the Chinese clothing factory all the uniforms have been sent to Las Vegas and used as part of Celine Dion’s new stage show. Half the team are laid up with a debilitating case of acne… and the other half are drunk.

Head coach Derek gathers the team together in the locker room and completely demoralises them with his pep talk. There are no ‘high-fives’, no boisterous yelling, and strangely for an American team there is no ass slapping.

During the game Derek drinks all the Poweraid himself and falls into a sugar coma leaving Doris the cafeteria lady to run the plays. Unfortunately the ‘Spagetti spiral’ play is not as successful as Doris had hoped, leaving two team members permanently crippled. The other team completely decimate the Sweetville Titan Panthers 200 points to nil. Due to the high attrition rate the season is over after one game.

The township of Sweetville goes bankrupt, mostly because the local clothing industry can’t compete with cheap Chinese knockoffs of football uniforms. The college however stays full… but mostly because the students are too dumb to pass and keep being held back another year. We end the film with a slow zoom out of the town, the dilapidated buildings crumbling picturesquely in the dull glow of the sun through clouds of dust from the dried up fields nearby.

THE END