The guilt of doing something nice

Today has been a long but good day. It started with me getting up and staggering down the hallway to the.... well actually I think we can safely miss the first part of my day out so as to prevent you from having indelible mental images requiring much therapy to remove from your brain.

I changed my insurance company first thing this morning. It's always fun answering questions about your past criminal activity. I wonder how guilty I looked when I paused after being asked if I had any speeding convictions in the last 5 years. I haven't had any in case you were wondering. But I did have to stop and think for a moment... how long is 5 years, what have I done? I'm sure I looked suspicious.

I then came home and started to clean out my garage. I haven't been using the garage for my car, rather it has been a black hole of storage. An old desk, two lawn mowers, a ladder, various tools, garden table and chairs, bales of insulation.... and several rubbish bags full of newspaper and old plastic bottles. So I started to clean things out, picking up the rubbish bags and putting them in the car to take to the landfill. I got a hell of a fright when I picked up one bag and the bag underneath started to move! Closer inspection found a mother hedgehog and three little baby hedgehogs nesting in the bag. This created a bit of a quandry... I couldn't leave the hedgehog family where they were, but I also didn't want to cast them into the bushes. The mother was rather perturbed at my presence and was nudging her offspring further into the shadows while I stood there scratching my head. In the end I grabbed a cardboard box and using some paper I picked up the babies and put them in it. The mother was a bigger problem as I didn't want to touch her and she was trying to run away. So I quickly scooped her up with my spade and put her in the box as well. Then I took the whole lot down to the garden shed and put them inside. I don't want a colony of hedgehogs living in my shed but I figure I'll leave them there for a few days until the babies are big enough to survive the outside and then I'll evict them.

So why was I cleaning the garage? Certainly not for my 18 year old Nissan Bluebird. No... this is the good bit... today I traded it in for a new car. I'm now the proud owner of a 3.8 litre V6 Holden Commodore! I've never had such a nice car. I used to own a sporty Honda Prelude and then a Nissan 300ZX, a two seater bright red sports car that went like a rocket. But that was 10 years ago and since then I've had a grotty Mitsubishi Mirage that was a cast off from my sister and the aforementioned Bluebird. These cars both served their purpose and as a youth worker I really couldn't afford to spend much on a car. So I'm really buzzing about the new wheels!

It raised an interesting issue though. I couldn't help feeling guilty at spending good money on myself. I started to worry that "people" would be upset that I had a good car... because somehow it seems that people think that because they help pay your wages they somehow have the right to question how you spend it (I now work for my church after spending the last 6 years working for Youth for Christ, both jobs getting paid from supporters). I know I'm not alone in this... the feeling of guilt. It's as if I should live a life of humilty and poverty, because we all know that poverty makes a better youth worker, an even better christian (tounge fixed firmly in cheek).

Over the last few years I've learnt how to live very simply. If I told you how little I've earned a year, you would cry. And it's been good to learn that you don't need a lot to be happy and you can be satisfied even if you don't have a wallet bursting with cash. But it has also been tough at times. It's not a good feeling when you are worried about spending $2 because you have nothing left in your bank account. There were a few weeks when I didn't eat lunch because I couldn't afford it.

So it's been a time of interesting feelings as I've gone through the process of buying this car. I've decided that the car will be a blessing and that I will enjoy it. And if you have a problem with that... tough! I'll turn off the traction control and wave to you as I lay a big black patch down the road!

Living on fumes

The end of the year is near... does anyone else feel as though they are nearly running on empty? The dregs of fuel are sloshing around in the bottom of the tank and it seems that it's only the fumes that are keeping things going.... in a spluttering inconsistent kind of way.

Somehow my sleep patterns have shifted so that I seem to be wide awake late into the night, working on several projects at once. The mornings after are hell. Especially this morning when a supporter of mine wanted to catch up over breakfast... at 6am. It was awesome catching up with him, even better after the caffeine started to kick in. But I have to say that three hours sleep is just not enough! I was home again by 7.30, eyes rolling disfunctionally in their sockets, my brain gently spinning in a disengaged stupor.

I get involved in a lot of stuff... cool stuff, fun stuff, busy stuff. This year I've organised the technical side of Soul Survivor, Fuse, Christmas in the Park Porirua and a number of smaller events. I've helped at the Ignite Sport indoor sports competition and their fundraising quiz night, a World Vision 40 hour famine concert, The Noise in Feilding. I've helped a local church with their sound engineer training as well as totally reorganising my own church sound system and training new operators. I've taken on the role of music director at church, looking after a 10 piece music group and not only arranging music and teaching the songs but having to look after all the issues that come with a group interacting with each other. I've left Youth for Christ and become a staff member at my church taking on an administrative and development role that has me involved in everything from Sunday school, youth programmes, and special events to sorting out phone lists, training materials etc. I've worked on several graphics projects from business cards and signage to posters and t shirts. And this is just what I can remember off the top of my head.

Tomorrow I'm official photographer for a local dance school's annual recital concert... as well as helping set up the lights beforehand. I'll also find some time to catch up with Sam and the rest of the Soul Survivor music team to discuss set up and soundchecks etc for the festival in January.

It's all good stuff and for the most part I love doing it. But the problem is... how do you decide what to keep doing and what to drop off? I want to do more things but there is never enough time. The worst feeling in the world is where you feel that you are just running from one thing to the next and not spending time really enjoying each thing, appreciating it, savouring it.

I discussed this with a few people like Sam at various times... and I think we all agree that there is no easy answer. We manage to come up with a few good theoretical models but the actual operation of these never quite measures up to hope or expectation.

So off to bed now... maybe I'll have an epiphany tonight.

Do I have a girl for you?

The start of many a cheesy romantic comedy involves a scene where the middle aged single guy is set up with a procession of women by his married, well intentioned but horribly inappropriate friends. There's always a montage of the craziness that ensues as a procession of imbalanced, kooky, clingy, obsessive women date our hapless gentleman.

I'm getting worried that such a campaign may be percolating in the minds of some of my acquaintances. The signs are there and I'm starting to furtively glance over my shoulder when in public.

A few weeks ago a guy I know took me out for lunch after I had helped him with a computer problem. "Sweet" i thought, not being the sort of guy to pass up a free curry. We had a good time discussing church, politics, sport. Then, with a succulent piece of madras chicken inches from my mouth, I was faced with... "so, you're not morally opposed to marriage are you?" The couple at the table three feet from ours paused their conversation and glanced in morbid curiosity at us as I spluttered incoherently. What do you say to that.... well, I mean what do you say without being rude to that? It's maybe hard for some people to understand that being single may be a more complex issue than simply deciding it would be a good idea. For one thing, it's generally easier to get married if you actually have a woman.

The next 10 minutes were taken up with me listening politely to a story about a very nice girl my friend knew and some general information about previous matchmaking success. Interestingly, it was never discussed that he wanted to match me to anyone.... but it was implied... I'm not that slow.

Then, this last weekend I was talking with another married friend who out of the blue informed me that he had been telling a girl all about me. "oh... ok" i stammered, "that's nice". "Good looking, tall", he said. "Great", say I unsure what else to say. Once again nothing more was offered so now I'm left wondering what to expect next. I'm popping breath mints like they're going out of fashion just in case I'm suddenly snatched from the street and bundled off to mystery date. Every time I walk into a room I'm clandestinely looking around wondering if "she" is there... whoever "she" is.

So no, I'm not opposed to marriage. I'd very much like to meet a good woman. But at the same time i'm getting nervous about what my friends are up to.